Protected: Wither thy will

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Honestly

And with our pens set down (for what we hope is for the last time this year), we marked the end of the academic year. This semester has most definitely played out at a frenetic pace. The memory of me touching down on the 4th of August, teary eyed from a bloody long layover at Sydney, and heading out for AB up north for dinner right after, still seems like it was last week.

Perhaps it’s because I came back with a different perspective. Maybe because I was prepared to give this whole thing another try. Most importantly, I had my head on my shoulders.

Throughout the past 4 months, I paid no attention to things that might have been, nor to things that could have been. I was too occupied with living in the present, because I’ve finally learned to not jump ahead of myself.
The only downside to all this was not having enough time to myself. I’ve been so used to being idle, and travelling along the paths that my at-times daft imagination was prepared to chuck at me.

I honestly do feel like I’ve grown tremendously, spiritually speaking. The demons that tormented me aren’t entirely banished, but at the very least they’re kept in check & don’t haunt me as often as they used to.

This post has been a long time coming, I just couldn’t find the right amount of time to sit down and express it in the right words that I envisioned. There wasn’t any point in churning out generic sounding paragraphs. Your local ojien could do that just as well.

In a way, this page has slowly ceased to being all about everything, and more about my downs and reflections. I’m not entirely sure I like the direction in which it’s going, because it was never my intention to trudge down this road. Having such deep thoughts of mine lying out here for everyone to see, it scares the living shit out of me. It’s like walking down Hindley Street in your birthday suit during winter.

I find it a little amusing that with every year I age, the more jaded I become. Outwardly appearances no long possess that golden sheen. Maybe I’m a little tired of the plasticity and glossiness that everyday life has to offer. The urge to write about the ups, and great things that happen… it just doesn’t mean jack anymore. I reckon the only reason I still write is because it keeps me sane and ensures that my english doesn’t deteriorate like a fuckin’ bogan saying fill-LET.

Blogging is such a cliche right now that, it isn’t like how it used to be anymore. What uberfusion used to be, a medium for me to selectively share parts of my life with not only friends and family but also strangers, can no longer work because the security blanket is gone. I could always hide behind this facade to strangers, yet at the same time appear as I am to people who are acquainted to me.

Regardless, most of my future posts will be password protected. I am not an attention whore. There is a vast amount of people out there who are. I’m not one of them. I write for my satisfaction, not others. And neither am I bothered by my stats. Private thoughts should be just that, private.

Greener Pasture

They say keeping a diary helps you reflect upon the days that were. How things used to be. Going through my archives certainly has that surreal effect on me.

Exactly one year ago, I was at the happiest point in life that I could ever be.
Oblivious to everything that was to come. Clinging on to every fragment of rapture. Hoping it would never end. But I knew it would eventually, one day.

I remember, every minute detail that came to happen that day. Picking her up at our usual meeting point. Having lunch at Midvalley, heading off to Subang Parade for dinner, and everything in between.

The esoteric nature of what’s happened from that one day to the present one, sometimes makes me want to pinch myself and wish that this is all a dream. Maybe. Just maybe.

I should think almost a year of self punishment, ought to be sufficient for me to genuinely wake up and face the facts that’s been shrouded under a cloth so small, it barely conceals the hideous reality of things. Facts that I’ve been trying so hard to not embrace.

In 11 days time, we’ll be even further away than we’ve ever been.
Greener pastures for her, I should think, even though the dull tone of her voice conveyed that she did not share my thoughts.

I’ve banished the demons of my past. I’m taking baby steps, at reclaiming bits and pieces of me that went missing.
It’s not easy, but I’m glad that you’ve been with me along the way. And for that, I’m grateful.

Take a deep breath, and start all over again

Suffice to say, I’ve seen, heard, and experienced things I never thought were possible. To say my past week or two has been a total roller coaster ride would be cliched beyond belief, yet that’s exactly what it was.

To put one thing into an analogy; there will always be things that we all crave but once said things are within our worldly possession, all sense of appreciativeness is then blown away with the wind. This, is one of them.

Your text came out of nowhere, I never did expect it. Yet as much as I appreciated the gesture, the novelty just wore off at that instance. That’s not to say that what you did counted for nothing, but maybe you just have horrendous timing.

Thank you, for reminding me that there is good left in the world. And yes, I’ve missed you heaps too. Thank you for at least having the courage to own up, and made the first step in reconciliation. A lesson perhaps, for all of us.

I can’t really remember how many times I’ve slept on a bed in the past week plus. That’s not to say that I’ve been bunking around places, but maybe just a measure of how uncomfortable my room makes me. Call me odd, but warm, lean beds have always been my thing. The mattress in my room is akin to a cold water bed (even despite a wool quilt) if you will, add in the silentness that goes with it and the lack of sunlight and well, you get the idea.

My eyelids have been twitching continuously for the past 3 days. It’s driving me nuts. I haven’t had decent coffee in the same number of days that I haven’t woken up in my own bed. I trust we all can make decent deductions.

As some of you may have made out by yourselves from my last post, a high school friend dropped by Adelaide last week and we met up with another old pal. Words escape me if I were to somehow be asked to describe everything that occurred. Somehow it made me remember of how things use to be. How guileless and naive we were, and how the only thing that mattered was pure unadulterated fun.

I’ve got to get home. Nobody likes stale chocolate milk.